>Be me, Wild magic mage. Tried making an auto-play build where i have a 90% chance for my magic to go wild and i randomly cast either a spell or a ritual (D10 roll. If it lands on anything that isn't 10 i "Fail" if it lands on 10 i CRIT-FAIL MOTHER HUMPERS! i cast a 8 or higher level spell) I'm also blissfully ignorant to my magic-dysfunction. (Everything about me is compressed to write only the most interesting things. there was maybe 6 spells in between every spell i cast)
>DM stoked and made a "spinning wheel of luck" i spun every time my magic went wild.
>Half-orc Barbarian and accidental victim of strange spells. Has a movement speed of 100ft.
>Human mage and epic facepalmer whenever stuff i do go wrong. So basically my entire life.
>Invisible half-god and cleaner of my messes. Only intervenes if my spells turn REALLY bad. Or turn me in to a God... AGAIN. Only ever interacts if stuff i do get too stupid for the material world. I can see him, nobody else can. Appears in exactly one line of text in this story.
>First quest is to kill some ogres in a forest.
>As darkness falls upon the wooded forest we're in we decide to set up camp.
>I get campfire duty.
>Gather sticks, kindling, chop wood.
>I think our tinderbox is pretty boring so i try to use a VERY low powered fireball to light the fire.
>Party looks at me as i cast my spell. Wizard already facepalming at what's about to happen.
>Magic goes as wild as Walmart shoppers during Black Friday.
>SPIIIIIN THE WHEEEEEL!
>A poisonous cloud
fills the camp.
>Poisons everyone in the camp, Including the half-god that rolled a nat 1.
>10 minutes pass as the poison clears
>Get my ass beat by the Barbarian who failed 4 CON saves even though his CON stat is sky-high.
>Wizard is on campfire duty from now on.
>As punishment i get set on first-watch duty.
>I get a plan. I try to cast an unseen servant
to stand guard for me.
>SPIN THE WHEEEEE
>Suddenly a projected image
of myself appears
>I look at myself "Huh, even better than i planned! Hey, me. Stand guard, if something unknown appears alert us"
>I go to sleep.
>Wizard who has 2nd watch wakes up.
>Goes outside to see me sitting on a stump by the campfire
>"Nice to see you haven't caused trouble"
>Projected image of myself turns around and says "Like i ever do! Good Night"
>As wizard is moving to trade places with the projected image it passes right through him.
>"WOAH THE F****" could be heard by the wizard. loud enough to wake up our Barbarian who comes bursting out of the tent.
>My projected image enters my own tent, passing right through the cloth entrance.
>Wizard and Barbarian both storm my tent, ripping the entrance open.
>See me spooning myself. sleeping blissfully.
>Wizard forces me to do 2nd watch with him.
>Noon breaks as we hear monstrous shouting deeper in the forest.
>Barbarian takes of in a dash speeding 200ft in 6 seconds. (Dashing consumes all actions but double movement speed)
>Wizard manages to throw a rope around him and me as we speed off in to the distance.
>Smash in to one of the ogres at full speed
>I get KO'd
>PRAISE BE LOW CON BUILDS!
>Wizard and Barbarian both tenderize the ogres as i spend most of my time hiding after the Wizard revived me.
>My projected image catches up with me. "Hey, me. What's goi'n on?"
>"Just hiding. Try to stay down, if i die both of us die"
>I look at myself
>"But i'm the original"
>Get in to an argument with myself about who is the original.
>after looting, the Wizard shows up to us arguing.
>I'm arguing with myself just as the wizard punches my projected image.
>Hand passes through. No resistance.
>Image realizes that he isn't the original, and that he will die as soon as the spell duration reaches it's end.
>Starts screaming, having a total mental breakdown. Begging us to find a way to keep him alive.
>"PLEASE, I HAVE ALL YOUR MEMORIES, I AM YOU! DON'T KILL ME! I AM A SENTIENT BEING! PLEASE HELP I BEG OF YOU!"
>Wizard dispels him
>"Your spells sure are annoying"
>Barbarian found an item that can temporarily double his speed once a day.
>Laughs in 300ft dash movement speed. (Previous boots gave him extra movement speed)
>Wizard found a shit-ton of gold.
>We need to return to the mayor of the village who gave us the quest.
>Realize our barbarian can carry us and run at 50 feet/s
>After a few quick CON stat checks to check if the Barbarian goes unconscious before reaching our location later.
>Mayor of the village is astounded that we managed to kill the ogres in such a short time.
>Gives us a house in the village and buys us a round of mead from the local tavern.
>We enter our house to relax and for the Wizard to use his magical magic to find us a quest.
>I'm eating grapes on a chair in front of the fireplace
>A grape falls and rolls under another chair
>Chair has those annoying gap-covers that make it impossible to find stuff that has fallen under them.
>Cast Unseen servant to retrieve my grape so i can eat it in peace.
>Barbarian watches this happen and goes wide-eyed
>SPIN THE WHEEEEEEEEEEE
>I shoot off a firebolt in to the chair next to me
>It catches fire.
>I try to extinguish the fire with a gust of wind. as the Barbarian moves in to extinguish the fire.
>Roll a 10. CRITICAL FAIL YEEEEAH
>Barbarian finishes smashing out the fire.
>picks me up to kick me across the room
>I grab his hand to stop him throwing me.
>Barbarian's pupils expand.
>Releases me as he sits down an stares in to the void. never blinking
>He sees everything that will happen in the next 8 hours.
>He sees the Wizard die, some unholy god possessing him as an avatar of evil.
>Just as the Barbarian returns to being normal the Wizard enters
>"I just talked to a somewhat sketchy guy but i believe there are many things in it for us!"
>Barbarian explains what he has seen.
>Wizard believes him and we never do that quest.
>A long-ass time passes (I could not make the sessions due to work)
>We have a quest with the king to deliver an important item to another person that will give us an item the king needs.
>I hold the satchel and try to cast "teleport" to get it over with quick.
>Throne room wall gets a perfectly rectangular hole leading to the kitchen.
>Cooks get ROYALLY confused (har har har)
>King squints and says
>You need some practice my friend! Try again, after all practice makes perfect!
>Try to teleport again
>A piece of parchment appears
>King's mage tells me i can write anything on it and it will only be visible readable by anyone i choose.
>Write "Wizard is a dick"
>Barbarian can't read.
>Make a picture of the wizard and a dick
>Takes the Barbarian a few minutes before he understands
>Laughs his ass off
>Wizard is angry at us for not showing him what's so funny.
>On the way to the King's friend we get attacked by huge pack wolves
>Barbarian manages to smash the alpha in to a fine pulp with a CRIT to the face.
>Wizard freezes multiple of them in place with a well placed ice-spell
>I try to cast a fireball to join in on the fun
>Wolves turn in to a tepee hut
made of wolf-hide, wolf bones and wolf hair for string to keep it together.
>Team mates look at me in disbelief
>"Why cant your magic just be... normal?"
>I'm laughing my ass off.
>After speaking to king's friend and getting a strangely heavy sack of something we agree to teleport back.
>I want to try to teleport before Wizard does it for us
>Barbarian prepares himself.
>SPIN DA WHEEEEEEL
>Sparks of electric energy surge around my fingertips as a lightning bolt shoots out of my hand perfectly searing a nearby squirrel.
>Barbarian's mouth is watering
>Wizard teleports us in to king's throne room
>King is getting served by a large number of exotic dancers
>Shouts at us to get away while covering himself
>I want in on this and i try to turn invisible
>I get covered in magic armor as we walk out of the throne room.
>Guards uneasy since i just summoned armor
>Wizard clarifies "This gal has some serious magic-problems, don't worry about it"
>I demonstrate that my magic is perfectly fine by making fireworks in the air above me
>SPEEEEN THE FHECKING WHEEL!.
>Some sparkles happen as all the guards agree with me that my magic is indeed normal and that there is no problem with me using magical armor in the throne room.
>Huh, that worked well.
>After drinking us dumb at a tavern there is a karaoke competition.
>I get memories of my idol Sips the wild magic monkey.
>Do a half-decent job at singing and decide to end on doing some sparkles just like i did in front of the guards like my idol did in a story I've heard.
>Forgot what happened with Sips after that.
>Magic goes wild.
>A decorative skull starts singing along with me
>Totally smash the competition with my now permanent follower, The talking skull. (Begged DM to keep him)
>Wizard so amazed he buys a custom-made bag to hold the skull
>The bag of skulling.
>He also buys a bag of holding and a bag of colding.
>This way we can loot more and eat better food!
>Used up all our money in the process.
>We sleep away the night.
>I can't remember anything that happened the previous night.
>See a talking skull in a stylish bag next to me
>"HEY! Woman, i never got ya name! I usually ask women their names before sleeping with them!"
>Tell skull my name is "REDACTED
>"WOAH, honey, that's a mouthful. How about i call you Cutey-pie?"
>Skull is a smooth talker. "Sure" i tell him.
>Enter king's throne room
>King excuses himself for the day before.
>Gives us a bonus on the quest to keep us quiet about it.
>Skull starts talking
>"Hey cutey-pie! something close here smells fucky"
>Wizard seems interested by this
>Secretly cast "Detect Magic" as king is distracted by the talking skull.
>King's clothing is magical. No surprises there
>Golden throne is magical
>Wizard whispers to me
>"Cause a distraction, nothing too big please"
>SPIN THE WHEEEEEELLL!
>Everyone in the room starts dancing
>Wizard shouting at me while dancing
>"I SAID NOTHING TOO BIG, JESUS CHRIST"
>King having a great time
>Guards dancing disco.
>Servants see the king dance and join in
>Entire staff, all guards and all people in the castle start dancing with the king
>Form a conga line.
>Spell wears off but people are still dancing. including king since they are having great fun.
>Wizard sneaks off.
>Checks the throne.
>Throne is cursed, causes a slow corruption of whomever sits on it.
>Wizard destroy the curse, golden throne turns in to stone.
>Wizard join the conga line again and parties on.
>King realizes the enchantment of his throne is gone
>Dang it! Call the royal Wizard! the throne stopped being shiny again!
>Wizard watches as the royal Wizard comes down.
>Sees him curse the throne again.
>Skull whispers to me "Oi, cutey-pie, see that? that dude is sketchy AF!"
>I try to dispel it.
>Wizard who has a plan tries to stop me
>I hear a booming voice, from everywhere at once.
>"I AM THE SAGE OF JUSTICE, WHAT DO YOU ASK OF ME?"
>I openly just say "If you could make that wizard stop being a dick, that would be nice"
>Royal wizard turns around to me
>"Did you say something you vile child?"
>Royal wizard's head explodes
>Everyone looks at me. I just commanded an unknown being to assassinate a royal wizard.
>Everyone is terrified.
>King shouts at guards to carefully arrest me.
>I need to get away
>Try to teleport away.
>SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNN THE WHIIIIEEELL
>D10 CRITICAL FAIL!
>A booming voice once again calls out
>Not another bitcoin assassin.meme
>"WHAT DO YOU WISH FOR?"
>"I wish that we weren't here"
>I appear in a small ice-covered village along with my friends.
>Realize that my magic may be a tiny bit unstable.
(For anyone wondering. This is the same character only re-worked since becoming a God, while fun became a bit too... God-like)
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